The Sad Reality

Well my mom has been heavy on my heart so here I am just writing how I feel. I miss her terribly and it’s tough facing the harsh reality of how my life will never be the same again. Yes I’m strong (for the most part) and maybe stronger than others in a situation like this but my outside doesn’t match the immense feelings I have inside. Plus there are many reasons why I can hold such composure that’s unexplainable to others.  I may not appear sad and distraught but this is truly another kind of sadness for me, one that doesn’t always trigger me to cry but instead overwhelms me by leaving my heart aching and my stomach empty.  It’s a sadness that I can’t escape, it’s even in my dreams too and it’s scary when I think about it. When people pass me by and ask me how I’m doing I smile and say “ok, fine, hanging in there” when really I’m not ok, not fine, and barely there. But how do I even begin to tell them everything that’s really wrong within a brief passing conversation. It’s not that I want to “appear” strong to them but something of this magnitude requires a sit down conversation or a phone call to allow me to open up to you and until then I may never really open up because there’s nothing brief about how I feel and what I’m going through.

I thought I had prepared myself for what was to come with my mom because unfortunately at the rate things were going I knew this day would come sooner than we ever imagined. Never in a million years had I thought my mom wouldn’t be there for my wedding day or to meet my kids and the many many more things we won’t experience together. I miss her smile, her voice, physically seeing her, her hugs, her sarcastic remarks, her laugh, her cooking, her “good morning” texts I received EVERY single morning, calling her during or after my lunch break each day, her nightly phone calls because we would talk every night I was not at home, I miss giving her a hug and kiss goodbye before leaving to go to work each morning, I miss coming home from work and seeing her in the kitchen as soon as I walked in the door, and of course the list is endless…nothing will ever be the same again.

“It will get easier” “Give it time” “Everything happens for a reason”….hearing this won’t help nor change how I feel. Time will not heal the pain of losing someone who embodied so many things for me ~mom, best friend, biggest supporter, idol, my heart, my world~ I feel like I lost multiple people all at the same moment because she wasn’t just my mom. The more time passes the more I miss her and I know there will be more days coming up that I’ll keep missing her. I can easily say that our relationship was flawless, it was beautiful, genuine, full of happiness and laughter together, and one that I highly doubt I can ever experience again, it was unique and full of endless love for one another…but it ended way too soon L The only thing time is doing is forcing me to make room for all this pain, grief, and never-ending wishes to have my mom here today, tomorrow, and many many more days to come. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, I’ll just have to go through it and it’s not going to get better because everything is always going to be different every day now and I’ll have to find ways to deal with it because I can’t change the circumstance.

Well I didn’t want to make this seem like such an upsetting posting but this is what’s on my mind right now.  I’ll continue to push through and do all I can to continue making my mommy as proud as I can. Many of my tears start as memories but they quickly change to sadness, pain, frustration, and every other emotion you can think of. I know that the pain I experienced through your battle, the pain I'm experiencing from your loss and the pain I will continue to have has changed me and will continue to change me throughout life.  I just pray it will be a change for the better.

LOVE AND MISS YOU BEYOND WORDS!!!

Rest in Paradise

I haven't updated my blog in a couple weeks now about my mother's progress. Unfortunately it was a rough 6-8 weeks with her being in and out of the hospital and sadly she passed away on February 17th.  She fought so hard and gave it her all, it's still hard to believe this is reality now.  But I was honored and proud to have enough strength to share a few words with everyone about the wonderful woman my mother was and the great life she lived. We all miss her tremendously!!!  Several people asked me where my strength came from when I gave this speech at my mom's funeral and I simply replied: from God and Mom, they were both with me! Don't worry mommy, I will still continue the teal fight in your honor so that hopefully other women won't have to go through this.

"My family and I want to thank all of you for being here today. We always knew what an amazing, generous and kind woman my mommy was, and this last week, the outpouring of love and support has proven this to be true. All the emails, texts, calls and cards have touched our hearts. I want everyone to know my mommy would've been humbled at this outpouring. She was never one to put herself before others and knowing that all of these people, some who don’t even know her, are praying and thinking of her and the family has surely put a big smile on her face.

I honestly don't know how I can adequately describe my mom with words. She lived her life in the most positive way. She encouraged us to love one another because we were all we had. Her actions were an incredible example that she showed my brother, me and Jazlyn the true definition of a mother. She was a person who possessed qualities we should all try to imitate and a true role model. I hope to be just like her!

My mommy cared deeply for her family and had the kindest of hearts. She cared more about us than her very own battle with cancer, and I must say I have no idea how someone endured so much physically, mentally, and emotionally but this only proved how strong she was! When you stepped into her house you could see and feel all her love for the family. You will find pictures everywhere you look and there are mountains of cherished photo albums that she held onto for many years. Thanks to her we have so many memories to look back on. I found it so interesting that when I was searching for pictures of her by herself the only time you would find one was prior to me and my brother being born. After she started her family it was very rare to find a picture by herself.  I know myself and others would try to be sneaky and snap a picture of her by herself but if you got caught she would fuss at you :-) She had one of the prettiest smiles yet rarely liked taking pictures lone. We would always joke with her about her loud voice, extreme house cleaning, and her short little self. She adored her grandchild, Jazlyn, more than anything and they had such a beautiful bond. We know that as she got sicker, one of the main reasons she fought so hard was for the family.  


We will miss her with all our heart and will always cherish the times we spent together, the memories are endless and everywhere we turn. She was always there for everything and anything we needed and was the most loving and caring wife, mother and grandmother. She was selfless and always put others ahead of her. She never wanted people to go out of their way for her. Yet, she did it all of the time for others. She has touched the lives of many people, even if it was with a few kind words, a kind gesture, or a bright smile. Even though she's physically gone, her memory will live in all of our hearts forever. Her spirit has not left us and she left a lasting impression. Everyone who was ever touched by her should have faith that she'll be watching over them because that's just the kind of person she was.

My mommy was a remarkable woman and I know she is proud of us and will help us through this. Cherish the memories you have of her and honor your family. This is how she lived her life and there is no better way of honoring her than by following her example. We should all take comfort in knowing that right now, she's standing at the gates of heaven, with a smile on her face and without any pain. It makes us so happy for her, even though I'm so sad for us. But mommy you couldn't have made us any prouder, you did everything right, and we can never thank you enough for all your love you shared with us each and every day. What a wonderful example you are for me as a woman, mother, and wife. I will be great because I learned it from the best and I'm amazing because you were amazing!" 

Obituary Link

Love, Faith, Hope, Courage, Determination: Her Fight

Yesterday was one of those tough days but I remind myself that I have to stop dwelling on my lows. It's a new day and I'm ready to keep moving forward with my mom and her courageous fight!!

We had to take my mom to the ER on Sunday because she was having a lot of pain in her right side that got worse each day.  I'm so glad we went without waiting another day because little did we know the doctors would find a blood clot right under one of her lungs.  The pain she's having though is due to one of her tumors near her liver that has enlarged but we weren't expecting to also find a blood clot.  Thankfully it was found early enough to where it had not spread and she is receiving a blood thinning treatment to help.  So not only are we working on the blood clot concern but there's still another very concerning issue at hand and that's the enlarged tumor that is pressing against other organs.  My mom has various cancer tumors throughout her stomach area and unfortunately the latest chemo treatments have resulted in only a mixed response--meaning some tumors were stable, some decreased in size, and one increased in size.  The best results would've been for all her tumors to decrease in size which would mean the chemo is working.  But due to a mixed response we'll have to have some discussions with the doctors in GA to see if she should continue a few more rounds of the same chemo, add another chemo drug to the current combo, or try something completely new....far from easy choices for my mom and the family because none of these can guarantee a successful response.  At least her GA doctor is remaining HOPEFUL!!

On the other hand, my mom's doctors at Duke have always given up so easy, I never understood it and it's so disheartening and disappointing because there are still other drugs my mom can try.....we have nothing to lose by TRYING but we have everything to lose by NOT TRYING anything.  The harsh reality is that if she's not receiving a treatment we could lose her in a matter of months (at least that what her Duke doctors say).  So it's very hard to wrap my head around why they would tell my mom to consider stopping treatment and just "enjoy life"....how can someone enjoy life when they'll have tumors growing aggressively and rapidly without treatment which will only result in more pain for her?!?  The doctors at Duke made it clear that if the tumors can't be stopped from growing their best guess at my mom's life expectancy would be just months...tough words to listen to.  But my mom made it clear she wants to fight and extend her life as much as possible and I'm not giving up either, it's not in me to give up so easily just because someone in a white coat thinks it's the best choice.  I can't lose hope because of HIM and until HE says it's time for my mom to go I refuse to let others tell me otherwise!!

She's approaching a year of this fight, she's fought through 14 rounds of chemo so far plus numerous hospital visits,  yet even on her weakest days she never loses one bit of fight in her.  She LOVES her family & that's what fuels her fight, I always try to encourage her at all times to never lose FAITH and HOPE because she's has so much COURAGE and DETERMINATION to stop now.  I'm blessed with a beautiful mom to look up to; she has no idea the woman she continues to mold me into.  Her fight is so inspiring & that's what helps me smile through it all. Everything will be ok mom and I'm right by your side fighting with you and guess what....so is HE, I know it.
"From where I'm standing, Lord, it's so hard to see where this is going & where you're leading me. I wish I knew all my fears & all my questions are going to play out in a world I can't control but I'm trusting you each and every day no matter what comes my way I know you're with me.  I'm not afraid of tomorrow because I know you're already there. --Amen"

Update

Well we are quickly approaching one year (Feb 20th) since my mom has been fighting this horrible cancer...the year has flown by!  I'm so proud of her, she is a true fighter and I just hate she has to go through this.  November was one of her toughest months, she felt sick most of the time and in a lot of pain.  Things gradually got better in December and she was back to being herself and even made the comment "I don't even feel like anything is wrong with me"  I could cry tears of joy when I heard that!!  These past 3 weeks my mom was so happy and it truly did feel like nothing was wrong with her.

But as it happens with a lot of people fighting cancer is unpredictable and the days are always so up and down, so this week she has been feeling pain in her left side of her stomach and there is actually a hard spot we can feel.  My mom thinks there might be fluid building up in her stomach again because she's starting to feel the same way like last time it happened (early November).  So more than likely we'll have to take her to the hospital so they can check for fluid and drain it to relieve her pain.  I hope this is not a sign that the chemo is not working and/or the cancer is growing instead of shrinking.....there is a slight possibility that's why fluid build up occurs :-( 

Our next chemo treatment is January 17th, she'll be having a CT scan as well so I'll have a better update in 2 weeks.  

Frustrated to say the least....

It's been almost 6 months since I last update my blog, all was going well for 5 of those 6 months so I guess I didn't have much to blog about but the past 5-6 weeks rattled our lives again.  What frustrates me most is my mom's doctor at Duke who did not listen to her and our concerns for 4 weeks about a new pain in her right side...as a cancer patient it would only make sense to me that I look into the new pain and not brush it off or "assume" nothing is really wrong.  Well, when her doctor finally did a CT Scan because my mom was already scheduled for one it illustrated exactly why she was having this new pain: tumor rapidly grew larger and spread to new areas.  A simple scan could have shown us this weeks ago and it would have never gotten to the point it did with my mom that lead her to gaining 15 lbs of fluid in a week and having to get about 4 liters of fluid pumped out of her stomach but that wasn't the worst part about it....the worst part was letting my mom suffer through excruciating pain just because her doctor didn't take any action!!!! I thought doctors were there to listen to their patients and help in any way they can, not prolong pain until they feel like it's finally time to check.  I can't believe it happened that way but it did....so we searched for second opinions elsewhere and decided to get a new chemo treatment in GA since her Duke doctor also gave us a defeated demeanor and didn't have many alternative options for my mom, almost as if she was uninterested in exploring other alternatives.  

So as a result of a series of bad events with her Duke doctor we are now being seen in GA every 3 weeks for chemo that consists of Carboplatin and Avastin, she was on Ifosfimide/Mesna/Taxol but I guess that stopped working for her.  Her doctor in GA was a lot more concerned and they took quick action and made sure to take a double look at everything so that they weren't missing anything, he also gave us a variety of potential alternatives for tackling this cancer....I think he is willing to try any and everything to help my mom even knowing that this rare cancer (only happens in about a dozen female per year) does not have many drugs available with a proven track record.  I much rather have a doctor who is going to try his best than not try anything at all.  

When we found out how bad things had gotten I felt the same way I did when we first found out she had cancer but I have been able to bounce back now knowing we have a better doctor and she will be treated at a better facility.  This helps put me a little at ease even though she continues to have stomach pain a lot.  On her next visit she will have chemo as well as a camera traveling down to her stomach and surrounding areas to make sure there are no other issues going on.  I hope nothing else is wrong and that she can start feeling better soon.

I could go on and on about the frustration but that won't do anything except make me madder so I'm just looking forward to the holidays and I pray this new chemo treatment works for my mom!!

Mommy Is Doing Well

It's been about 2 months since I last posted an update....in the midst of relocating, starting a new job, and getting my house ready for move in I've been pretty tied up.  But now that things are starting to settle, I wanted to give a brief update.  My mom has been doing well on chemo and I'm SUPER PROUD of her and her fight!!  She is determined to do all she can do to beat this cancer, and with her determination and GOD, I know it will be possible. 

She took her first trip out of NC since her diagnosis this past week to New York to celebrate her nephew's high school graduation.  I'm glad she took the time to go, she really didn't want to go but my aunt (her sister) insisted so she left my mom no choice :-)  My dad went with her and had a nice time away from home....now it's back to the hospital for round 5 of chemo.  I consistently pray that each time she gets a new CT Scan that the results will show the cancer diminishing...so far it does appear to be getting smaller which is great news.  Now if we can just completely get rid of it that would be even better! My gut is telling me we will probably need 8 rounds of chemo, but we really won't know until mid July, it all depends on what the doctor lets my mom but my mom is all for it!!

It's been great moving back home to be with her, it's a big weight off my shoulders, but having to face the reality of what could be is still frustrating and upsets me a lot. That's what I need to work on, but I'm only human and it's my mom so how can you not worry?!  But I still have never questioned God and will not question Him....I just pray every day that my mom beats this and can continue to live a long healthy life. I thought since things are going pretty well with her treatment and her physical status that I would feel better but this journey still tends to get me down more often than I would like.  But now that I'm training for the 5K run, it has become an avenue of stress relief...I have time to reflect and remind myself of why I'm doing it :-) 

Monthly Update

Well my mom finished her second round of chemo and even returned to work afterwards, she was happy and everyone at work both employees and customers were thrilled to have her back.  Everything has been going well with her blood counts, etc but she has easily been getting sick :-(

Yesterday evening she had a very high fever and after coming to the emergency room she was admitted to stay for a couple days....after reviewing some preliminary test results it appears she has pneumonia in one of her lungs.  I have to admit I wanted to cry when they told us because I don't want to hear about any further complications, but I was strong and didn't shed a tear, I didn't want to worry my mom.   So we're here in the hospital as she receives antibiotics to fight that....

Praying all goes well!!!

Week 1 Complete

My mom will need to have at least 6 rounds of chemo and we have completed the first round last week, 5 more to go.  Her treatment will take place every 3 weeks and I'm looking forward to the improvements.  I know and I have heard that with each additional treatment she could potentially feel more exhausted and more nauseous than normal so I am prepping myself mentally to know that's coming up.  But for now I am taking it one day at a time and enjoying all the time I am able to spend with her and being there for anything she needs.

My aunt (her sister) was able to come see us for the week which was great for my mom to have a distraction and somethign to look forward to after leaving the hospital.  Before I came back to Greensboro last night she hugged me and thanked me for everything....my mom doesn't need to thank me for anything though, that's what I'm here :-)

I didn't realize how fast each week of chemo would approach us, the next one is April 15th.  But in a way that's good and I look forward to it because that allows me an entire week to spend time with her!  I just ask that everyone cotinue to keep her in their prayers, I pray everyday that God will heal her and allow her to live a long healthy life.

Help support my team

I recently decided to participate in the 10th Annual Gail Parkins Memorial Ovarian Cancer Walk & 5K Run event on Saturday, September 14, 2013.  I would love to have any family and friends available on this day to please join me for the walk or the run or both...I have signed up to do both :-) 

If you're not able to come out that day you can still help support my team by making a donation.  My mom was diagnosed with a rare form of ovarian cancer on February 20th, 2013 so this event really means a lot to me, I want to be a part of a great cause, and everyone's support means a lot to me, her, and my family.  The money we raise for this event will help support research and awareness of ovarian cancer.

We need your support, so please do anything you can by joining my team or by making a donation to my team! Any amount, big or small, will be appreciated.  Please spread the word and help support my team:
WOMAN OF TEAL

You can click on the tab at the top of this page
"Support My Team" and it will take you straight to my page.  Or you can follow this link: 
http://dccc.convio.net/site/TR/Ovarianwalk/General?&pg=teamlist&fr_id=1160

Brief Update

Our last doctor appointment was Monday, March 18th and unfortunately we received additional news we didn't want to hear....the cancer has spread into her liver now. So Monday was another shock and Tuesday was a pretty emotional day for me...sometimes it doesn't quite hit me until I leave her side and come back to Greensboro.  But I'm feeling a little better now that my dad and I have figured out how to proceed with her treatment, care, etc.

Since my mom has a rare form of ovarian cancer called carcinosarcoma, we've decided to take part in a clinical trial at Duke and she'll start chemo on Monday, March 25th.  The chemo treatment will require her to stay in the hospital overnight Monday-Thursday and returning Friday for a shot....repeating every 3 weeks for the next 18 weeks. 

I know this will be a tough process but I'm happy to be right by her side each step of the way and do all that I can for her.  My dad and I are going to do everything that it takes to get the best treatment available and search all options.  So I have also been researching and reading about other treatment centers and will probably be looking into getting a 2nd opinion from MD Anderson in Houston, Texas who are ranked #1 in the US.  I can honestly say I'm glad we only live 15 minutes away from the top treatment center in NC: DUKE HOSPITAL!

Facing the unknown is really scary so if anyone reading this can offer any advice, tips, suggestions, etc please do so.  Once again I appreciate all the calls and messages, thanks for the prayers and support.  Everyone please keep praying for my mom through this journey.
Thanks!