The Sad Reality

Well my mom has been heavy on my heart so here I am just writing how I feel. I miss her terribly and it’s tough facing the harsh reality of how my life will never be the same again. Yes I’m strong (for the most part) and maybe stronger than others in a situation like this but my outside doesn’t match the immense feelings I have inside. Plus there are many reasons why I can hold such composure that’s unexplainable to others.  I may not appear sad and distraught but this is truly another kind of sadness for me, one that doesn’t always trigger me to cry but instead overwhelms me by leaving my heart aching and my stomach empty.  It’s a sadness that I can’t escape, it’s even in my dreams too and it’s scary when I think about it. When people pass me by and ask me how I’m doing I smile and say “ok, fine, hanging in there” when really I’m not ok, not fine, and barely there. But how do I even begin to tell them everything that’s really wrong within a brief passing conversation. It’s not that I want to “appear” strong to them but something of this magnitude requires a sit down conversation or a phone call to allow me to open up to you and until then I may never really open up because there’s nothing brief about how I feel and what I’m going through.

I thought I had prepared myself for what was to come with my mom because unfortunately at the rate things were going I knew this day would come sooner than we ever imagined. Never in a million years had I thought my mom wouldn’t be there for my wedding day or to meet my kids and the many many more things we won’t experience together. I miss her smile, her voice, physically seeing her, her hugs, her sarcastic remarks, her laugh, her cooking, her “good morning” texts I received EVERY single morning, calling her during or after my lunch break each day, her nightly phone calls because we would talk every night I was not at home, I miss giving her a hug and kiss goodbye before leaving to go to work each morning, I miss coming home from work and seeing her in the kitchen as soon as I walked in the door, and of course the list is endless…nothing will ever be the same again.

“It will get easier” “Give it time” “Everything happens for a reason”….hearing this won’t help nor change how I feel. Time will not heal the pain of losing someone who embodied so many things for me ~mom, best friend, biggest supporter, idol, my heart, my world~ I feel like I lost multiple people all at the same moment because she wasn’t just my mom. The more time passes the more I miss her and I know there will be more days coming up that I’ll keep missing her. I can easily say that our relationship was flawless, it was beautiful, genuine, full of happiness and laughter together, and one that I highly doubt I can ever experience again, it was unique and full of endless love for one another…but it ended way too soon L The only thing time is doing is forcing me to make room for all this pain, grief, and never-ending wishes to have my mom here today, tomorrow, and many many more days to come. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, I’ll just have to go through it and it’s not going to get better because everything is always going to be different every day now and I’ll have to find ways to deal with it because I can’t change the circumstance.

Well I didn’t want to make this seem like such an upsetting posting but this is what’s on my mind right now.  I’ll continue to push through and do all I can to continue making my mommy as proud as I can. Many of my tears start as memories but they quickly change to sadness, pain, frustration, and every other emotion you can think of. I know that the pain I experienced through your battle, the pain I'm experiencing from your loss and the pain I will continue to have has changed me and will continue to change me throughout life.  I just pray it will be a change for the better.

LOVE AND MISS YOU BEYOND WORDS!!!

Rest in Paradise

I haven't updated my blog in a couple weeks now about my mother's progress. Unfortunately it was a rough 6-8 weeks with her being in and out of the hospital and sadly she passed away on February 17th.  She fought so hard and gave it her all, it's still hard to believe this is reality now.  But I was honored and proud to have enough strength to share a few words with everyone about the wonderful woman my mother was and the great life she lived. We all miss her tremendously!!!  Several people asked me where my strength came from when I gave this speech at my mom's funeral and I simply replied: from God and Mom, they were both with me! Don't worry mommy, I will still continue the teal fight in your honor so that hopefully other women won't have to go through this.

"My family and I want to thank all of you for being here today. We always knew what an amazing, generous and kind woman my mommy was, and this last week, the outpouring of love and support has proven this to be true. All the emails, texts, calls and cards have touched our hearts. I want everyone to know my mommy would've been humbled at this outpouring. She was never one to put herself before others and knowing that all of these people, some who don’t even know her, are praying and thinking of her and the family has surely put a big smile on her face.

I honestly don't know how I can adequately describe my mom with words. She lived her life in the most positive way. She encouraged us to love one another because we were all we had. Her actions were an incredible example that she showed my brother, me and Jazlyn the true definition of a mother. She was a person who possessed qualities we should all try to imitate and a true role model. I hope to be just like her!

My mommy cared deeply for her family and had the kindest of hearts. She cared more about us than her very own battle with cancer, and I must say I have no idea how someone endured so much physically, mentally, and emotionally but this only proved how strong she was! When you stepped into her house you could see and feel all her love for the family. You will find pictures everywhere you look and there are mountains of cherished photo albums that she held onto for many years. Thanks to her we have so many memories to look back on. I found it so interesting that when I was searching for pictures of her by herself the only time you would find one was prior to me and my brother being born. After she started her family it was very rare to find a picture by herself.  I know myself and others would try to be sneaky and snap a picture of her by herself but if you got caught she would fuss at you :-) She had one of the prettiest smiles yet rarely liked taking pictures lone. We would always joke with her about her loud voice, extreme house cleaning, and her short little self. She adored her grandchild, Jazlyn, more than anything and they had such a beautiful bond. We know that as she got sicker, one of the main reasons she fought so hard was for the family.  


We will miss her with all our heart and will always cherish the times we spent together, the memories are endless and everywhere we turn. She was always there for everything and anything we needed and was the most loving and caring wife, mother and grandmother. She was selfless and always put others ahead of her. She never wanted people to go out of their way for her. Yet, she did it all of the time for others. She has touched the lives of many people, even if it was with a few kind words, a kind gesture, or a bright smile. Even though she's physically gone, her memory will live in all of our hearts forever. Her spirit has not left us and she left a lasting impression. Everyone who was ever touched by her should have faith that she'll be watching over them because that's just the kind of person she was.

My mommy was a remarkable woman and I know she is proud of us and will help us through this. Cherish the memories you have of her and honor your family. This is how she lived her life and there is no better way of honoring her than by following her example. We should all take comfort in knowing that right now, she's standing at the gates of heaven, with a smile on her face and without any pain. It makes us so happy for her, even though I'm so sad for us. But mommy you couldn't have made us any prouder, you did everything right, and we can never thank you enough for all your love you shared with us each and every day. What a wonderful example you are for me as a woman, mother, and wife. I will be great because I learned it from the best and I'm amazing because you were amazing!" 

Obituary Link

Love, Faith, Hope, Courage, Determination: Her Fight

Yesterday was one of those tough days but I remind myself that I have to stop dwelling on my lows. It's a new day and I'm ready to keep moving forward with my mom and her courageous fight!!

We had to take my mom to the ER on Sunday because she was having a lot of pain in her right side that got worse each day.  I'm so glad we went without waiting another day because little did we know the doctors would find a blood clot right under one of her lungs.  The pain she's having though is due to one of her tumors near her liver that has enlarged but we weren't expecting to also find a blood clot.  Thankfully it was found early enough to where it had not spread and she is receiving a blood thinning treatment to help.  So not only are we working on the blood clot concern but there's still another very concerning issue at hand and that's the enlarged tumor that is pressing against other organs.  My mom has various cancer tumors throughout her stomach area and unfortunately the latest chemo treatments have resulted in only a mixed response--meaning some tumors were stable, some decreased in size, and one increased in size.  The best results would've been for all her tumors to decrease in size which would mean the chemo is working.  But due to a mixed response we'll have to have some discussions with the doctors in GA to see if she should continue a few more rounds of the same chemo, add another chemo drug to the current combo, or try something completely new....far from easy choices for my mom and the family because none of these can guarantee a successful response.  At least her GA doctor is remaining HOPEFUL!!

On the other hand, my mom's doctors at Duke have always given up so easy, I never understood it and it's so disheartening and disappointing because there are still other drugs my mom can try.....we have nothing to lose by TRYING but we have everything to lose by NOT TRYING anything.  The harsh reality is that if she's not receiving a treatment we could lose her in a matter of months (at least that what her Duke doctors say).  So it's very hard to wrap my head around why they would tell my mom to consider stopping treatment and just "enjoy life"....how can someone enjoy life when they'll have tumors growing aggressively and rapidly without treatment which will only result in more pain for her?!?  The doctors at Duke made it clear that if the tumors can't be stopped from growing their best guess at my mom's life expectancy would be just months...tough words to listen to.  But my mom made it clear she wants to fight and extend her life as much as possible and I'm not giving up either, it's not in me to give up so easily just because someone in a white coat thinks it's the best choice.  I can't lose hope because of HIM and until HE says it's time for my mom to go I refuse to let others tell me otherwise!!

She's approaching a year of this fight, she's fought through 14 rounds of chemo so far plus numerous hospital visits,  yet even on her weakest days she never loses one bit of fight in her.  She LOVES her family & that's what fuels her fight, I always try to encourage her at all times to never lose FAITH and HOPE because she's has so much COURAGE and DETERMINATION to stop now.  I'm blessed with a beautiful mom to look up to; she has no idea the woman she continues to mold me into.  Her fight is so inspiring & that's what helps me smile through it all. Everything will be ok mom and I'm right by your side fighting with you and guess what....so is HE, I know it.
"From where I'm standing, Lord, it's so hard to see where this is going & where you're leading me. I wish I knew all my fears & all my questions are going to play out in a world I can't control but I'm trusting you each and every day no matter what comes my way I know you're with me.  I'm not afraid of tomorrow because I know you're already there. --Amen"

Update

Well we are quickly approaching one year (Feb 20th) since my mom has been fighting this horrible cancer...the year has flown by!  I'm so proud of her, she is a true fighter and I just hate she has to go through this.  November was one of her toughest months, she felt sick most of the time and in a lot of pain.  Things gradually got better in December and she was back to being herself and even made the comment "I don't even feel like anything is wrong with me"  I could cry tears of joy when I heard that!!  These past 3 weeks my mom was so happy and it truly did feel like nothing was wrong with her.

But as it happens with a lot of people fighting cancer is unpredictable and the days are always so up and down, so this week she has been feeling pain in her left side of her stomach and there is actually a hard spot we can feel.  My mom thinks there might be fluid building up in her stomach again because she's starting to feel the same way like last time it happened (early November).  So more than likely we'll have to take her to the hospital so they can check for fluid and drain it to relieve her pain.  I hope this is not a sign that the chemo is not working and/or the cancer is growing instead of shrinking.....there is a slight possibility that's why fluid build up occurs :-( 

Our next chemo treatment is January 17th, she'll be having a CT scan as well so I'll have a better update in 2 weeks.